Translations
by mistress-reebi
Summary: The authoress teaches SO men how to understand what SO women are really saying. Some examples are: Does this dress make me look fat, Can you get me a drink, and I seem to have lost my glasses. What do these mean? So2-4
1. Claude the Chick repellant

Now Claude, I understand you are having some female problems while on your adventure. Every word you say to these girls is offending them and at this rate your ending will be a solo ending in a shack with millions of cats. You don't want to end up like Noel, do you? Let me help you understand women that way you will end up with the woman of your dreams. Fangirls everywhere are putting you in outlandish situations with Dias and Ashton in their fan fiction and they have the most vivid imaginations. If you don't want their stories to become a reality then I will offer you this Female-Male dictionary with translations men would understand.

Celine

Celine is a flamboyant sorceress who is into fashion and jewelry. Her personality is very "what you see is what you get" and is honest most of the time. However, there are phrases she says that mean something else. Here are some examples:

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

Celine hides her true feelings about her appearance in front of people. She is not asking if she looks overweight, because near people, especially men, she will admit to being the hottest thing alive. This is what she really means:

"Do I look skankishly enough for you?"

The correct response to this question is:

"You look damn sexy! Let's make out!"

Another thing she may tell you is, "Nice shirt," which really means, "You look ugly." Next time in battle, pretend to be a knight in shining armour, or just die.

Rena

Rena is a shy girl who likes cute animals and is naïve. Due to her introvert personality, what she says is very important and some times she says something to maintain an innocent reputation. Here is an example:

"Do I have something on my face?"

She is saying this because you are most likely starring at her. To a regular innocent girl, you may think when a guy is checking her out she is blushing, but the real Rena is saying:

"ARE YOU STARRING AT MY CHEST, YOU PERVERT? IT'S A GOOD THING I DON'T HAVE A CHAINSAW OTHERWISE I'D SAW YOU INTO PIECES!"

The correct response to this question is:

"No, I was too busy starring into your beautiful eyes to notice anything else."

Another phrase she may say is this:

"Go watch the game with your friends and drink beer, like I care."

This phrase is very common among women and it's not a good sign. She is being sarcastic and is upset that you would choose someone over her. This is what she is saying:

"You may go out with your friends but when you come home you will be sleeping on the couch."

The correct response would be:

"No, we are going out to a fancy dinner followed by an opera that night instead."

Precis

Precis is a hyper teenager who eats too much sugar and inhales helium; she may be under the influence of crack sometimes. To begin with, she is in love, or should I say obsessed over you. Impressing her won't be hard. When she says this:

"Can you fix my car?"

It's an obvious lie! We all know Precis can fix her own car and if she did need help she wouldn't ask you. This is what she is really saying:

"Can you sex me up?"

The correct response would be a simple Y-E-S.

Opera

Opera is loyal to her boyfriend Ernest, but that is where you make her change her mind about him. Make her forget about him. There is one thing Opera likes and that is a cold glass of beer, or a bottle of wine, or anything alcoholic. Giving her alcohol may sound like an increase on the friendship meter but your presumption is wrong. Here is an example:

"Can you get me a drink?"

Translation – "Sorry, but the only way to make-out with you is if I'm intoxicated."

Instead, offer her some expensive perfume or write her a poem on how much you love her.

Chisato

Chisato is a nosey reporter who is someone you don't want to mess with. Because she is a journalist, her attention span is short. When she says this:

"Do you know what time it is?"

The translation is, "You're boring, how long did you bore me?"

Sorry, but it seems like Chisato isn't interested. Next time, don't have the topic of your conversation anything to do with video games and/or science fiction related. Or simply shut up and listen.

I hope this guide has helped you in understanding women. If women are still repelled by you that is not my fault, you must be the biggest nerd in the universe. Then again, I'm sure even the biggest nerd would have an easier time picking up women than you do.

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AN: I wrote this story with Cutepiku four years ago but in chat script format. Also, it isn't nearly as detailed. I hope you enjoyed the satire humour because I know it's a humour not everyone finds humourous. I'm guessing these translations can work on anyone except the "Does this dress make me look fat?" If a woman is asking a guy that question she is really saying, "Now tell me how beautiful I am," because we are expecting a guy to shower us with comments. The correct response would be to do what she says and tell her how beautiful she is, or be sarcastic and say you are fat, but make sure you say it with a smile that way she will know you aren't serious!


	2. Fayt's turn

Not you too Fayt! Each male protagonist from Star Ocean is getting less intelligent than the previous one. First, you make poor Sophia wait because you were too busy playing with video games, then you go after a diseased woman who had SARS, AIDS or some other plague you don't know, and now all the women are plotting your death? Do you really want to be a crazy cat man? Or better yet, do you really want the crazy fangirls to hook you up with Albel, Cliff, Luther, or maybe even Adray? You're the biggest skank on fanfiction dot net! Just like I did with Claude, I will send you a Female-Male dictionary to help you understand what these women are really saying.

Sophia

Sophia is a sweet girl who likes to cook and clean, which will make a great wife since your cooking tastes like raw sewage. Having her ending is the easiest so don't blow it!

When she says this:

"Would you like some more soup?"

She really means this:

"I'm fattening you up that way I throw you into my stew and eat you."

In order to prevent that from happening and to have her like you this is what you say:

"That soup was delicious of course I'll have more! Wait, my stomach is so full it's about to explode, but I want more soup. How about later when this soup has been digested."

When you have the chance, run when she's doing the dishes and stay away from that kitchen!

When she says, "I'm scared," she really means, "Let's make-out." This is what you say:

"I'll protect you, even if it costs me my life. You're the most beautiful thing in the universe, more beautiful than the stars."

Maria

Maria has a short temper and likes to hold her grudges. Do you wonder why she carries a gun with her twenty-four/seven? She is still mad at a boy from grade two who accidentally ripped her Mr. Bear Bear. If you want her ending then don't piss her off! She too can say something and mean something else, like this:

"Am I bleeding?"

Now, Maria isn't one to admit that she is injuried. So, why is she asking this?

Translation – "Can you stitch me up, 'doctor'?"

That's why.

The correct response would be:

"Let doctor Fayt make you better, if you know what I mean! Wink wink."

When she says this:

"I'm not mad."

She really means:

"I'M GOING TO BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF AND DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE, YOU BASTARD!"

Say this:

"I'm sorry for being such a jerk."

Men need to learn to apologise more often. The more times they say sorry, the better the relationship will be.

Peppita

Peppita is hyper and does more drugs than the band members of the Rolling Stones put together. Remember, she is five years younger than you; you will be considered a pedophile if you get involved in a relationship with her. By the time she turns eighteen she would have forgotten you and moved on, so you want to make sure she remembers you. When she says:

"Do you want to see me dance?"

Translation –"Do you want a lap dance?"

You say this:

"You're dancing reminds me of angels flying gracefully in the sun set sky. On your eighteenth birthday I will be waiting for your beautiful smile. Your present will be my heart wrapped up in roses. True love waits, my love."

Mirage:

She may seem kind and innocent, but deep down she wants to shoot someone, most likely you.

"You've been hanging around Cliff, haven't you?"

Translation- "You're an even bigger pervert than he is. Go away."

Correct response:

"If you let me hang around you more often maybe your good influence will rub unto me. After all, one Cliff is more than enough to withstand."

Nel

Nel is the type to choose her career over a man. She may be cold, but she is loyal to the people she cares about. Because of this, one can't fully understand her. Here is an example:

"These clothes are more appropriate on this planet."

Translation –"Your clothes remind me of something Adray's grandmother picked out. Never wear that shirt again!"

Correct response:

"You have excellent fashion sense."

Another example is this:

"Do you want to see my runes?"

Translation- "Let's make-out!"

Correct response:

"Oh course, hot stuff!"

There you have it, a guide that will make you no longer a loner. If you do become the crazy cat man then obviously you were meant to be one. It's not my fault if that is your destiny.


	3. Claude and Fayt attempt to speak

Okay, Fayt and Claude I heard both of you are still having more trouble with women. How hard is it to go up to a chick, talk to her, (without her feeling like a slut, but in your case a video game character) and ask her out of a date? I bet Adray drunk could pick up more chicks than you and he wears a skirt! Albel (the girlish looking guy of all) has fangirls drooling over him and whom do you have? I have analysed your conversations and I've picked out your errors.

Fayt: these are your errors with Sophia.

**"Wow, that if your hair was shorter you'd look like an orc mage!"**

This is what a woman hears:

"Ew, you're as fat and ugly as a cockroach!"

Rule number one: DO NOT CALL SOMEONE AN ORC MAGE! DO NOT EVEN MENTION THOSE WORDS! Women plus the word 'orc mage' equals DISASTER! Orc mages are ugly creatures that are slimy and discussing. To a nerdy man they are strong; to a regular woman they are ugly. Almost as ugly as your face.

Use this instead:

"Wow, you're hair was shorter you'd look like Tyra Banks."

Other celebrities you want to compare her to:

Gisele Bündchen, Mandy Moore, Cindy Crawford, Beyoncé, Penelope Cruz, Lucy Liu, and Aishwarya Rai

Celebrities you DO NOT want to mention: (**DO NOT COMPARE HER TO THESE NAMES, OTHERWISE, I WILL THROW MY SHOE AT YOU!**)

Linsey Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Madonna, and Naomi Campbell

**"That shirt is shiney"**

Um, is that a pick up line? You just told her you are a stoner! This is what women hear:

"I'm a perverted druggy who looks at women's chests."

If you are going to mention the word 'shirt' use it in a positive manner. Complimenting a woman's shirt is the easiest way to make her like you. I guess you are too stupid to do that.

Try this:

"That shirt makes you look hotter than you already are."

Claude, here are some other error with Rena, Celine and Chisato:

Rena:

**"What's this thing on my plate?"**

DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST SAID THAT! This is what a woman thinks you just said:

"Your cooking tastes like soil."

DO NOT INSULT HER COOKING! You may be curious to know what she made, but do not say "what is this thing". Look, if you insult her wonderful cooking she is going to make you cook. Last time you cooked you burned coleslaw and the whole room exploded! How does one burn coleslaw when it isn't even on the stove? Do not go near an open flame! Say this instead when you are insure of what she cooked.

"This looks good, what is it called?"

Celine:

**"I got to level ten on that Battle fighter Shooter game and it was awesome."**

What a woman hears:

She isn't paying attention to you. I told you, Celine is an attention whore! (maybe a full whore, but we won't go there) If you want her to go after her, YOU have to make the first move. Say this instead:

"You're eyes remind me of twinkling stars in a beautiful sky. Your hair is so luscious Heidi Klum would be jealous."

**"Wow, that girl is pretty!"**

Excuse me; you did not just say that. By "that girl", I hope you are referring to Celine because this is what she hears:

"She's pretty and you're just an old maid with warts all over your face that are about to pop."

DO NOT (I repeat)** DO NOT MENTION THAT ANOTHER GIRL IS PRETTIER THAN THE GIRL YOU ARE TALKING TO! **You wonder why you're still single. Even men won't date you!

Say this:

"Wow, that girl is a milllion times less beautiful than you. She may have a pretty face, but your face makes me think if God spend millions of hours perfecting your beautiful face. It's so beautiful I wonder if it it more beautiful than a sunset, which is the colour of your heavenly eyes."

Chisato: 

**"Have you gained weight?"**

One second...you did not...oh dear...WHAT THE HELL? YOU DO NOT SAY THAT TO A WOMAN YOU IDIOT! EVEN HOMER SIMPSON IS SMARTER THAN YOU! That's it I give up!

Fayt, again, you are having trouble trying to woo Mirage and Nel. 

For Mirage:

**"Did you know that studies have shown that people who receive five to ten servings of vitamin B9 a day are happier than those who don't."**

This information is almost as useless as you're existence. We all know you like to ramble on about nothing, but what purpose is this? this is what she hears:

"Did you know that studies have... people...five to ...day...those."

Kind of reminds me of how you listen, but this was by choice and not by stupidity. If you are going to ramble on about facts make sure they are useful like this:

"Studies have show that people who receive more than ten hugs a day are happier than those who don't."

See, it's interesting and you can lead that to actually hugging her! Wow, my little Fayt is growing up, I think I'm going to cry. Wait, you would blow that up in your face so I better not get my hopes up for nothing.

For Nel: 

**"Is that a grey hair?"**

I can't believe you are still alive after saying that! I would have stabbed you in the groin for that, but luckily, I'm not a game character. This is what she hears:

"You're older than my grandma. When are you going to die?"

Yes, we all know her hair is fried from all the hair dye she uses but did you have to say that? Instead, don't say anything. You know what, I give up. Just don't say anything and I'm sure both of you will get dates.

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I started this a while ago and left it on my documents, but now they have an expiration date so I might as well finish this now. I wasn't going to add another chapter but I got bored one day like two months ago. Don't think I'll do another chapter.  



	4. Falling over the EDGE

Okay, new game new dumb protagonist. Or shall I say, emo protagonist... Women like sensitive men but not ones who cry when their shirt doesn't match their weird arm thing. Seriously, I saw you crying over the colour in the bathroom! You may have had Reimi fooled thinking you were a pervert but I know the real reason. This guy is so dumb he- well I won't say. He knew what he did. *cough* MORON *cough*. And all this has falling into your love life. It's a good thing people can tell you to remember Reimi's birthday. If you had your way you would have thought it was the last day in her diet. Geese. Let me, not psychotic Welch, help you out. Seriously, stay away from her. I think she had too much of those Tasty Mushrooms; the kind with the question mark. Anyways, I will tell you what these women are_ really_ thinking.

**Reimi:**

I think you're the only dumb male protagonist that has negative points when it comes to cooking. Then again you did make that dessert with grilled chicken in it. It's a good thing this game doesn't make you cook otherwise characters would have negative points after consumption. Okay, now Reimi likes to cook but isn't a housewife type. She only cooks because she feels bad for you. So, to get on her good side you have to be a good househusband.

This is what she will say:

"How are my cookies?"

This is what she is really saying:

"I made you sugar now enjoy or I will murder you in your sleep."

This is the right answer:

"These are fantastic! The flavours are so good they could only come from a great baker. "

Another phase she says:

"Isn't it great when effort is rewarded?"

Translation:

You lazy bum! You did nothing! I swear there was a couch on this battle field because you were on it!

Answer:

"Yes, and you did the best job ever. Can I have some tips? The way you shoot that arrow is like cupid making a couple fall in love"

**Myuria:**

After her husband died she became a hootchie. Let's just say she is looking for a new husband. *wink* *wink* She is kind but do not piss her off. She will blast you into dust but very slowly and painfully.

What she says:

"My staff is too bulky for me. Can you make me a new one?"

Translation:

"I don't like baggage in a relationship. Let's just do this and be done."

Owch, she really is a skank. Answer:

"I will make you a staff that is the perfect size. You deserve the best."

**Meracle:**

Another hyperactive teenager. Tri-ace sure likes them. I think she had too much of Reimi's sugary treats. Or Welch's tasty mushrooms? Anyways, impressing her is easy. Just give her food.

"Wanna make pretty pendants and bracelet's and jewels with me?"

Translation:

"My mind is all over the place. Ooo a pretty bird! Let's play hopscotch and hold hands! Then be married!"

Answer:

"You want one of Reimi's cookies?"

That will shut her up. Also, she will like you for it.

**Sarah**

She is friendly but likes to keep to herself. She is very kind and is uber loyal. Somehow, you don't see this. You were probably too busy moping around to notice this. Anyways, she is the type to not say what she means. Like this:

"I don't know how to fly"

Translation:

"Teach me how to soar! I wanna reach to the moon!"

That is all I can say in this PG rated letter. Answer:

"I will send you to stars, baby."

Here is another saying:

"I seem to have lost my glasses."

Translation:

"Get away, creep! You're stupid so searching for them will take forever."

Oh no, too bad for you. Do you really think she is really that dumb? Just because you are doesn't mean others are. This is the answer you need:

"You misplaced them in my heart. The glasses hider your beautiful eyes that sparkle in the glistening sun."

That should help.

**Lymle:**

She is like a child. Too young for you but have no other choice. Wait a few years (you're going to be single anyways) and she will come around. She likes cute things so this shouldn't be hard. Hey, she didn't complain when you were having an emo break down. However, she is in love with Faize so change it.

What she says:

"You wanna see my doggie?"

Translation:

"Do you want to see my doggie."

What can I say, she's an honest person. So, respond with this:

"I like Cerberus. You really know how to tame a wild beast. If you were older you would have tamed my heart."

Like I said, she is in love with Faize; however, she doesn't show it. So when she says this:

"Faize is a loser who smells like rotten cheese!"

Translation:

"Faize has perdy hair."

Say:

"He is a loser. You deserve a man like me, not a boy like him."

Follow this and you will have a woman by the end of the game. If not, you suck. I give up on you guys.

I'm back! I just love SO4 :)


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